I Won't Miss That


Here I am, a stay at home mom for more than five years now.

What was the plan before the kids came? I'm not sure, honestly. I don't think there ever was one. We moved to a different state right after the first one was born, so there was no return-to-work-date hanging over my head. I could certainly find a new job now, but the current set up is working out well for our family.

Other than the wear and tear of a stay at home mom. Other than the occasional yearning of having to worry about something more critical than dinner that someone is going to refuse to eat anyways. Other than the sting of "I go to school, Daddy goes to work to help people, and Mommy hangs out at home."

And when you're about to lose your marbles over the tiresome monotony of it all, people tell you that you should treasure the time. That you will miss these days. That the life will move way faster than you can, trying to catch that coffee mug flying off the table.

But we are speaking about different things.

I will miss their gentle faces when they snore peacefully next to me. I won't miss being woken up several times a night every single night for years. I will miss the laughter. I won't miss the constant noise that never lets up. I will miss their trust with which they want me to witness every dangerous idea that crosses their minds. I won't miss having to watch them fall off the monkey bars and break their bones.

I will miss their witty comebacks, but I won't miss the never ending arguments. I will miss their absolute love and its physical expression (oh how much will I miss that!) but I won't miss being trampled by them to the point when I want to sleep alone in the guest room just to get some space. I will miss the constant attention they are giving me but I won't miss finally going to the bathroom alone (and without them banging on the door).

I will miss our dinner conversations, but I won't miss the constant dilemma of what to serve them that is healthy enough by my standards but acceptable enough by theirs. I will miss teaching them new things, but I won't miss the tantrums they throw when they don't want to hear it.

And then people say: "No, you will miss even those things." Will I? I guess I can't tell for sure, because I am only here, and they are already over there.

But I think for them the experiences blended into the years of living with little children, when one instance can't be separated from another. Where it all blends together, because - and that is true - you can't have one without the other. You can't have the laughter without the tears, you can't have the playfulness without the mess. (Oh my God, the mess! The mess!)

Right now though, I live every single minute of it on its own. They are delightful little angels and I love that. They are miserable mean devils and I hate that. I'm a kind forgiving master and I love it. I'm impatient screaming failure and I hate it.

Some days are full of laughter.

Some days are full of screams.

In the end, they balance out. That's why I'm still doing what I'm doing.

But no - I won't miss all of it. I already know that, because my younger one is starting to do the things my older one used to, and I don't feel blessed that I get to experience them again. No, I go - shit, not again! and then I ask my husband: "How do people survive more than two kids? Why?"

Yes - I will miss the puzzle. But some pieces are just bitches that won't fit in no matter how hard you try.


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