Stupid Questions All Pregnant Women Hear
I have come across an article advising on how to deal with pregnant women. You know, since they are so out of control and hormonal. For whatever strange reason, they do not always glow, float on a little cloud of butterflies, or run across a flowery meadow in slow motion chasing little fuzzy kittens while cradling their growing bellies. One would think when you are dragging around extra 30 pounds on swollen feet, suffering from nausea, constipation and insomnia, developing stretch marks, varicose veins and hemorrhoids, while waiting for something of a size of a small pumpkin push its way through an opening that clearly wasn't built for that, you should really be more pleasant to be around.
It brought me back in time and made me think of things that people would say while I was pregnant that made me just as irritated as the wise article described. I am sure I won't cover it all, but consider it a basic guide.
1.) "You are how far along? Oh my God, you are not showing at all. I look like this after I eat a big dinner. Are you sure the baby is growing OK?"
Oh, you know what, I think it might be dead or somehow impaired, but I prefer not to have to buy those ugly maternity clothes, it's just not my style. What do you think? I go for checkups regularly. My OB seems to be happy with the progress, so please, stop suggesting something is going wrong.
2.) "You are how far along? Oh my God, you are huge! You are never going to make it to term / Are you sure there is only one in there?"
Thanks, I already feel like a piece of crap. Telling me I look like a whale will surely lighten up my day. Unlike your fat ass that keeps growing from the overload of soda and donuts, I am actually growing a kid in there. With all those things that support the kid's growth and development. I also decided to still keep all of my internal organs, which now have to fit in the same space, but accompanied by the kid & company.
3.) "But you are looking great!" - your comeback to my response "I am sick all day long and feel miserable", that answers your question about how am I feeling.
Trust me, I'd rather look like a drug addict during a withdrawal that hasn't showered in 5 weeks and just got news that his entire family died - and feel somewhat reasonable, than looking fantastic while I am puking my guts out. Or are you suggesting that I am exaggerating, because there is no way I can truly feel as miserable as I am describing and still look - well, what - better than you?
4.) "But it will be so worth it!"
Will it? I don't know, honestly, I have not done this before. I am pretty damn sure I am stuck with it no matter what, so I guess I'd better make the best of it once it arrives, but I can tell you right now it doesn't change anything about the fact that I still have to make it through today, and tomorrow and another 30 weeks before I get to the point that was to me described as the time when I will not get any sleep, and won't have time to even take a shower, so excuse me if I am a little bit pessimistic right now.
5.) "Oh, but being sick means everything is going really well."
I am really glad that in that case I am having the healthiest pregnancy on the planet, but have you heard about other billions or so of women that had perfectly healthy babies and didn't feel nauseous at all? Yeah, guess what, I'd rather be them.
6.) "You are pregnant again??"
Yes, I am and guess what - either I planned it and I am perfectly happy with it, so stop acting like I am an idiot, or I didn't plan it and in that case I am dealing with enough already and really don't care for your judgement. It's none of your damn business anyways.
7.) "Just wait, it gets worse."
Geez, thanks. Tell me more.
8.) "My cousin had a stillborn at 38 weeks." / "My sister-in-law had this horrendous 50 hour long labor where both her and the baby nearly died."
OK, don't tell me more. What the fuck is wrong with you in the first place? Why would you EVER say something along these lines to a pregnant woman? How about you keep it for your spinster meetings and discuss it along the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy?
9.) "You are naming the baby XYZ? Oh, I knew XYZ in high school. She slept with the headmaster and then got drunk and ran over a toddler and is now locked up in a psychiatric institution."
You know why people stopped sharing their baby name ideas with others? That's why.
Last but not least, please, contain yourself and do not touch the belly. Definitely not if you are a random stranger in a supermarket. It is not OK. The only thing that is less OK than touching the belly is touching the newborn baby when you are a random stranger in a supermarket. Let me repeat this one: strangers - do not touch the belly and don't you dare to put your filthy germy hands on a baby you walk by, ever.
For a final laugh, this is a funny article (with more on the site) with clever comebacks to stupid remarks.